


He Saw (It Was Too Late)

by Markirya



Series: What They Saw [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Flirting, Hinata POV, Jealous Hinata Shouyou, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Past KuniKage, Pining, Secret Relationship, Tsukishima’s POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markirya/pseuds/Markirya
Summary: Hinata hated it. The way Yamaguchi now talked so much to Kageyama.Mostly he hated the way Tsukishima looked at his best friend. Or how Kageyama stared back.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio/Tsukishima Kei
Series: What They Saw [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1669756
Comments: 11
Kudos: 153





	1. Hinata’s POV

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, once again I'm writing fanfiction on my phone, getting my fingers destroyed. On the bright side (not for my fingers) this is the first time I've actually got real plans to continue a fic, though I won't promise a date, cause University.
> 
> This fic is all about jealousy in different forms and sizes

  
Hinata wasn’t dumb, or blind, as most people thought. It was their second year of high school when he realised he liked his best friend as more than that, and it only took him a few more months to know he was actually in love with Kageyama. He took it in stride, much like he took everything in life, it was just one more thing, one more truth. He loved volleyball, and he loved Kageyama. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt sometimes, but Hinata told himself that’s how love worked. Just like in volleyball, you can’t always get what (or who, in this case) you want, and that was true for him and Kageyama. 

He saw.

He saw how handsome Kageyama was, the curve of his spine when he hit his deadly serve, the firmness of his muscles and how they moved beneath his uniform. He thrived under the sound of his voice, now deeper, and the curve of his lips, even when they moved to insult him. 

He noticed how he wanted to be close to Kageyama all the time, to touch him, to cling to him, more than ever.

Hoowever, the thing with realising you’ve fallen in love is that it’s not only affection that grows. Hinata had always been a bit possessive of his friends, and Kageyama was his best friend, and more than that to him. So he was a little too aware of other people, of the girls in Kageyama’s class that giggled when he passed and swooned at how mysterious he was, drawn in by how unattainable he looked. He didn’t like the way they looked at his best friend. 

He also didn’t like the way Yamaguchi was suddenly interested in becoming friends with Kageyama. Every day they talked a little more, and Hinata was suspicious and a little worried, repeating like a mantra that Kageyama wouldn’t stop being his best friend, because Yamaguchi already had a best friend, so why did he keep trying to steal Hinata’s. He felt a little guilty, but couldn’t help thinking Yamaguchi should stick to Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima. He was something else. 

He remembered the way he felt, a little dizzy and angry, when Kageyama and Tsukishima fought, when they clashed, when Tsukishima taunted Kageyama and called him King, and how much it hurt his best friend and how hard he tried to hide it. He also remembered afternoons of fooling around, trying to make Kageyama forget about it, distract him by being his usual goofy and exasperating self. He remembered how desperately he had always wanted Kageyama to be happy, to notice him, to toss to him and only him. How much he cherished Kageyama’s eyes on him, how he burned for his acknowledgement, his approval. He remembered that despite everything he was jealous of Tsukishima for holding so intensely Kageyama’s attention.

A year went by and he still hated it.   
He hated the way they still fought, how easily the tall boy could get Kageyama’s undivided attention and how long he could hold it, just with some well-placed jabs. He hated the way Tsukishima still called Kageyama ‘King’, but he loathed the way it started holding less venom every day, becoming more of a nickname, or a term of endearment. He hated how Kageyama wasn’t affected by the name, how easily he simply answered to being called King, only because it meant Kageyama no longer needed Hinata to make him feel better. He hated the way it was no longer just them walking home but Yamaguchi and Tsukishima also, and he absolutely hated that Tsukishima walked farther with Kageyama, while Yamaguchi and him went the other way. 

What he most hated though, was the way Tsukishima had started staring at Kageyama. He could see, he had always seen, the way Tsukishima looked at Kageyama when he thought no one was looking. At first it was hatred and disgust, then it became jealousy and frustration. Then it was a mostly curious stare, and full of intensity at times, satisfaction when him and Kageyama coordinated nicely an attack. Approval. 

Lately, though, Hinata was seeing a new emotion bleeding into Tsukishima’s eyes, subtle unless you have been looking at him for years as Hinata had. Desire. It burned a hole in his chest the first time he saw it, the way that Tsukishima raked his eyes over Kageyama’s body, not unlike the way Hinata himself did.   
They also touched more often, like somehow they had become more comfortable with each other. When? During their walks home? Their tutoring sessions? Hinata hated it. 

Sometimes, their hands would brush when they were both blocking, or Kageyama would jab a finger into Tsukishima’s side when he was being his not-so-nasty-anymore self, or they would sit a little too close together, at least for Hinata’s comfort. 

Hinata became even more obnoxious, trying to hoard all of Kageyama’s time. He casually interrupted every attempt at conversation that Tsukishima tried, he became even more clingy and physical with his best friend, especially when the main blocker was around. Tsukishima never seemed to mind, or even realise, and neither did Kageyama. It was getting on his nerves. 

He knew it was unlikely his best friend ever returned his feelings, Kageyama was way too devoted to volleyball, was notoriously oblivious and maybe not even interested in guys. Still Hinata loved him, desperately.   
So desperately, in fact, that it took him way too long to see the real Kageyama and not the one from his fantasies.

The real Kageyama was happier than ever, you could tell if you looked hard enough (something that Hinata didn’t do until it was too late). He frowned less, his smiles were tiny but real, the scary one rarely ever seen. He had always set the ball like a god, but now he did it with joy, showing he was actually having fun and not just doing what he had to do, or agonising over every tiny mistake. 

Too late Hinata realised that Kageyama also stared at Tsukishima, a lot. He wasn’t there to watch the process, but he saw the proud smirk when Tsukishima blocked a difficult spike, the satisfaction when he hit a ball Kageyama had set for him, especially for him. He saw the way Kageyama's eyes traced Tsukishima’s arms as he prepared to serve, or roamed across his face when the taller boy was concentrating, calculating.

He hated it, that there was something going on between them and without him. Friendship? Love? Ugh.  
He wanted to know what was going on, how did they become so close, how did Tsukishima ensnare his best friend. 

One day, when Yamaguchi was absent from their walk home, he said goodbye, walked a bit and then turned around and followed them, determined to figure it out. He peeked from the corner of a street how Tsukishima and Kageyama walked side by side, arms casually and often brushing, talking in low voices, faces turned towards each other. He could only stare as Kageyama playfully shoved at Tsukishima, and in turn the blond placed a hand on Kageyama’s head, pushing down. 

Wide-eyed he could only stare as they both stopped walking and had a staring match. How Tsukishima looked quickly around, thankfully missing Hinata, smirked and grabbed Kageyama’s wrist, pulling him in where they stood by the side of the road.   
Was he going to kidnap him? Hit him? Hinata was gearing up to go and defend his best friend when he was stopped cold by laughter. Soft and kind laughter, coming from Kageyama. 

Tsukishima’s hand was placed on Kageyama’s waist, and suddenly he was pulling him flush against his body, leaning down and forwards to whisper something in Kageyama’s ear, something that made the shorter boy fist Tsukishima’s shirt by the collar. Tsukishima was grabbing firmly at Kageyama, his back arched backwards as it collided with the blond, and from the side he could see him watching Tsukishima from beneath his eyelashes, blushing just a little bit.   
Then the world stopped. Kageyama smirked and stood on tiptoes, bringing their faces a breath apart, and said something almost against Tsukishima’s lips. The blond’s eyes widened and now it was his turn to blush, as they stared so intently at each other.   
Kageyama leant forwards and softly bit Tsukishima’s bottom lip and Hinata’s world came crashing down. Tsukishima pushed him off him and they kept walking, which was a relief until Hinata realised they were holding hands. He stared until he could no longer see them.

He went straight home, images in a loop, went directly to his room, threw himself onto his bed and tried not to cry.


	2. Tsukishima’s POV (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have too much to study so I divided Tsukishima’s POV in 2 chapters. Hopefully i’ll finish the other half soon   
> Enjoyyyy

Tsukishima stared at Kageyama, had always done so. 

It took him a while, but he could now admit he liked looking at the setter, however much he had disliked him at first. There was something in the way Kageyama looked, the way his body moved, something that screamed of power, like a bomb that could explode at any second. 

Pride. Recklessness. That’s what he thought at first, and he disliked it immediately, dismissing the setter as just that, a reckless, prideful teenager, a King. 

Then he saw the king evolve, grow physically and mentally, developing social skills and cultivating friendships, so slowly but surely. It made Kageyama happy, and Tsukishima understood that was what the setter had always wanted, maybe even more than volleyball in itself, but a real team he could play with. 

Once Kageyama left his tyrant throne for his new throne, the real, wonderful throne of the true King he had become, everything changed, for Tsukishima at least. He felt drawn to the setter, drawn to how much he had changed, how beautifully he had evolved. How elegant his game was, and how mysterious he still appeared to be, desperately wanting closeness but unwilling to let go of his personal space, the sanctum of his mind. 

Tsukishima saw all this, and at some point became convinced he could see Kageyama as no one else, not even Hinata. Idiot Hinata that was obsessed with Kageyama but couldn’t spare a glance at his best friend seriously. Selfish. Tsukishima himself was selfish, he could admit it, he didn’t like people getting too close to Yamaguchi for example. Still, Kageyama was different, he craved freedom somehow, from his past, from his thoughts… from being one of the best setters in the region. Freedom, and that required understanding and letting go. Hinata was terrible at letting go.

Anyways, a year went by and still he could see Kageyama. He had thought maybe it would lessen in time, but no such luck. Once, taunting Kageyama gave life to his days, made him feel satisfied, almost happy. It still did, but it was different now. Suddenly, calling the setter ‘King’ wasn’t half as appealing as an insult as it used to be. He tried to inject it with as much resentment as he could, but found it almost gone. He didn’t stop calling him King, he would always be a king, but he was begrudgingly beginning to like the king he was becoming, slowly. He still had a long way to go, but Tsukishima saw Kageyama, could see him in a few years, owning the court, owning everything, being everything, consuming everything. 

Sometimes it felt he was consuming Tsukishima. Kageyama’s piercing gaze made him feel weird inside, blue eyes intense, and knowing the setter was focusing all that intensity solely on him made something twist deep in his chest, made the tip of his fingers tingle with a need to reach out and maybe touch.

Kageyama sometimes stood too close to him, spitting some basic insult, and Tsukishima choked up and couldn’t breathe. 

Now that he saw so much of Kageyama it was as if he simply couldn’t stop. 

He started noticing other things, like how long and dark his eyelashes were, or how toned his calves had become. He was painfully aware of the bead of sweat that clung to the tip of his nose, and of the tone of his harsh breathing when practice was hard and long. He noticed his hands, big with long fingers and perfectly kept fingernails (he grimaced at his own bitten ones), shivered at the memory of rough skin grazing his on the few occasions they shook hands.

He saw how other people looked at Kageyama, Hinata in particular. The spiker couldn’t keep his eyes (or his hands) off the setter. ‘His’ setter, as he’d once heard the short boy say, and he could only laugh as Hinata blushed, could only hide his irritation at the way Kageyama didn’t even find it weird. 

He didn’t like how much attention the setter gave Hinata, or how he spent so much time with him, indulging him, outside of the court. He was a king, he wasn’t indulgent, and yet he just rolled his eyes as Hinata went on and on about something or other, didn’t bat an eyelash as the spiker grabbed his arm or simply hovered endlessly around him and often ended up buying Hinata food. It was annoying. 

It was annoying to watch how Hinata clinged to every word Kageyama said, how his eyes were constantly following him. It was annoying how he interrupted every time Kageyama and Tsukishima were talking, acting as though he believed they were fighting, even when it was clear they were not. 

It was even more annoying to know how much it bothered him, and why. 

Also, the fact that Yamaguchi knew.

Of course he knew, he was a better and more observant best friend than Hinata could ever be, and easily picked up on the signs of Tsukishima’s interest. Not that it didn’t bother him that Yamaguchi had figured it out, but it was somehow still nice to know he wasn’t going to be judged or rejected, as nothing had changed between them, except for the amount of knowing smirks Yamaguchi sent his way, and how he got frustrated when he tried to bring Kageyama and Tsukishima close and it didn’t work. 

Then again, no one saw Kageyama like Tsukishima did, and he saw when the setter started looking at him differently. 

It was uncomfortable at first, having blue eyes follow him around, or the way Kageyama sometimes stopped talking to him and just stared curiously up at him, head tilted to the side and eyes wide. How he would sometimes not meet his eyes when he said something to Tsukishima that wasn’t an insult or volleyball-related. How he lingered longer during their tutoring sessions, not complaining half as much. He especially enjoyed the way he sometimes caught Kageyama staring at him when Tsukishima was explaining something. It was annoying to repeat himself, but still he had started leaning a little closer, speaking in a softer volume, just to watch Kageyama fidget. 

He tried not to give it much thought, lest he be disappointed, but he couldn’t help the fantasies that had begun to overcome him late at night. Imagining himself leaning even closer, feeling Kageyama’s breath mingling with his own and watching blue eyes flutter close. He went further, sometimes, picturing his fingers running across a toned abdomen, or the smooth skin of his neck. As he became more invested, hands turned to lips, feather-light touches on Kageyama’s jaw, his neck, his shoulders, a nip of a collarbone, and Kageyama squirming under him, hands roaming over his back. In his mind he kissed everywhere except his lips, he didn’t dare. He was all too aware that behind his stubborn, dominating facade was a boy who was just a little insecure, a little too controlling, every time a little more desperate for that control to be taken from him, but not quite ready yet. 

This dreams shattered him the next day, made him defensive and even meaner than usual, less patient towards Hinata’s bullshit or Kageyama’s obliviousness. It was one of those days he was really on edge that Yamaguchi took his sweet time getting changed, casually catching up to Hinata and Kageyama who were leaving. They walked together, them four and the black cloud that followed Tsukishima. That day, when he realised he continued walking just with Kageyama by his side, he ignored him completely, went home and hit his head on the wall. 

This was going to become a thing, wasn’t it? 

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Tsukishima’s POV (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima keeps getting away from me, so now there will be 5 chapters.  
> I don’t even know from where or why Kunimi appeared, but I honestly ship KuniKage (it’s not endgame here, don’t worry)  
> So, there will be, eventually, a 3rd Tsukishima part, finally getting to the point, but a short interlude before with Kindaichi’s POV, because it’s haunting me.   
> Thanks, sorry, and enjoyyyy

Another year had gone by and he still pined after Kageyama. Hopelessly. 

Another year had gone by and Hinata still pined after Kageyama. Also hopelessly.

It didn’t really bother Tsukishima, he simply didn’t have it in him to be jealous, a fact he was quite proud of. Jealousy was an ugly emotion. He was however annoyed at the fact that Hinata simply couldn’t leave Kageyama alone. 

That he wanted the setter was not a secret he kept from himself. It was, however, a secret he kept from everyone else. He wasn’t usually bothered, but there were days that he felt the need to have blue eyes on him constantly, wanted Kageyama’s undivided attention, his begrudging approval. He wanted to poke and push every button Kageyama had, rattle his very core, light the spark that sometimes shone in those blue eyes. 

He wanted Kageyama to retaliate, to hit back, to let all that darkness out and break Tsukishima. He wanted Kageyama to put him back together, piece by piece. He wanted Kageyama to care, care enough to bite and scowl and reach for him, like he did for Oikawa and Kunimi. 

Maybe he was a little jealous, but not of Hinata. Not really of Oikawa either, he was pathetically obsessed with Kageyama, and for all the wrong reasons. Intensely jealous of everything Karasuno’s genius setter had accomplished through sheer willpower and hard work, always looking down at him and calling it talent, innate talent, as if nothing was actually Kageyama’s merit.

Sure, he didn’t like the way Kageyama couldn’t help but still look up at his former teammate, couldn’t help but yearn for his approval, couldn’t see beyond it when it came to Oikawa. Couldn’t accept that he was never going to get that approval because Oikawa was an asshole, a truly petty child and a bully. He didn’t deserve Kageyama’s admiration. 

He wasn’t really jealous of Oikawa and Kageyama’s relationship, if one could even call it that, he only burned for Kageyama’s attention, and Oikawa always had it. 

Kunimi, however. 

The sleepy-eyed player from Seijoh used to be friends with Kageyama, real friends, before he became the King of the Court, and that was something he was surprisingly jealous about. Also, he hated Kunimi a little bit, one of the very few things he had in common with Hinata, aside from their crush on Kageyama. 

Without knowing how, he had become fiercely protective, not only of Kageyama but also of the whole team, his team. A few days after one of their matches against Seijoh, Hinata angrily let it slip that Kunimi and the turnip-haired guy, Kindaichi, had been part of the team that had left the King on his own, that had broken him. Hinata was fuming, and Tsukishima agreed silently. They didn’t really know the details of what happened, Hinata said Kageyama insisted that he deserved it, but Tsukishima couldn’t agree. From what he heard, he deduced that they were trying to teach him a lesson in their own twisted way, trying to get him back from whatever was consuming the setter at that point. They were so wrong. They chose the easier path, and with that, the cruelest. Punishment. Banishment. 

Looking back, it was ever since listening in on that conversation that he stopped using ‘King’ as an insult. 

The next time they played Seijoh he couldn’t help glaring at Kunimi all through the game, who didn’t even seem to notice. Or noticed and simply didn’t care. His eyes, just as Kindaichi’s, were glued to Kageyama, but with an intensity that Turnip-head couldn’t match, with a meaning that Tsukishima couldn’t grasp. He felt in that moment a deep animosity towards the spiker. He went all-out on that match, slamming and blocking every ball sent his way, trying to keep his temper in check. 

He felt this irrational need to take Kageyama away from Kunimi, away from both his former classmates, so they couldn’t hurt him anymore, because he could see Kageyama hurting. The setter shifted between desperately avoiding Kunimi’s gaze and openly staring at him with a troubled expression.

As far as Tsukishima knew, from the very rare real talks he and Kageyama sometimes had when walking home, they had never spoken again after middle school, Kunimi never tried to make amends like Kindaichi had. 

He still stared, and as always, Tsukishima saw. 

Saw Kunimi looking shocked and then deeply conflicted when Hinata and Kageyama showed off their perfectly synchronized, impossible to replicate freak quick. He saw the barely there longing when someone on the team high-fived Kageyama, or congratulated him on a perfect toss, and they were just about always perfect tosses. With hidden glee he saw the way Kunimi’s eyes narrowed slightly at Tsukishima, when he purposely stood a little too close to Kageyama during their water break. 

The downside was that Kageyama also stared, and of course Tsukishima saw. 

Kageyama bit his lip when he caught Kunimi looking at him, quickly turning his face away from the net to hide wide eyes and a hopeful, shy upwards twitch of his lips. 

He also directed meaningful stares at Kunimi’s back or when he was distracted, then huffed and seemed to give himself a pep talk. 

He was in the middle of accepting that he was possibly jealous of Kunimi when Yamaguchi dropped the metaphorical bomb. 

He looked uncertain, and was looking at Tsukishima as though evaluating if he could handle whatever it was. He could admit it made him a little nervous. 

Turned out he had listened in on Oikawa making fun of Kunimi because Kageyama was his first kiss, and how low he had fallen. Kunimi had only looked bored and walked away, “but Tsukki, from where I stood I saw him blush. Do you think that means it’s true?” 

Tsukishima’s ears were ringing, and something had definitely dropped inside his body. Kunimi and Kageyama. They had kissed. So many things were going around inside his head. One, Kageyama did like boys, at least Kunimi, probably. Second, he had more experience than Tsukishima, and didn’t that feel like a punch to the gut. Third, how much more experience did Kageyama have? Was it just one kiss? Were they together back in middle school? Fourth, suddenly Kageyama’s middle school traumatic experience became so much worse. 

Lastly and completely unwanted, he thought about how Kunimi and Kageyama probably had feelings for each other. Did they still? 

His hands turned to fists as he looked around the gym once more. The match had ended and both teams were relaxing. Tsukishima could clearly see Kunimi staring with that same troubled expression at Karasuno’s setter, and was just in time to see him flinch when an overexcited Hinata clung to Kageyama, making him lose his balance and fall. Kunimi bit his lip hard when he saw how the setter simply huffed, glared half-heartedly at Hinata and pulled his hair in a not so gentle but clearly affectionate manner. Tsukishima couldn’t help but frown, he couldn’t even enjoy the knowledge that Kageyama liked guys because Kunimi was right there staring daggers at the setter, who awkwardly pretended not to notice. 

Kindaichi noticed, and sent a worried glance to his friend, elbowing him and whispering something that made Kunimi glare and look away. 

Tsukishima smirked, sauntered towards where Karasuno had gathered and stood way too close to Kageyama, whispering a taunt in his ear to justify his closeness. Their backs were to Kunimi, so he couldn’t see Kageyama’s scowl, only the way he pushed him off, turned sideways towards the taller boy and walked right into Tsukishima’s space. Tsukishima couldn’t resist and glanced at Kunimi, smugness barely hidden. Kunimi’s face was dark and fiercely intense, so Tsukishima brought his face even closer to Kageyama and smirked, placating the King without really asking for forgiveness. 

The setter seemed then to realise how their faces were almost touching and blushed furiously, stepping back, and it drove Tsukishima a little crazy. He held it in and teased the setter just a bit more, all in good faith, secretly elated and trying to tell himself not to read too much into it. Satisfied, he scanned the gym once more.

Kunimi was nowhere to be seen. 


	4. Tsukishima’s POV (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kindaichi turned to Kunimi, and that was so long it turned into a companion fic. I really will go down with that ship.  
> I’m breaking up Tsukishima’s part (again).

Time went by and things kept changing. 

It started small, a single comment from Coach, “You seem to be working better with Kageyama, your spikes have improved. Keep it up!” No one was around to hear it, or see him, so Tsukishima allowed himself a surprised little smile. 

He looked around. “King. Toss to me.” 

Kageyama did. 

A couple of weeks later, he overheard Hinata whining about how Kageyama hadn’t gone with him lately to buy snacks after practice, always going home with Yamaguchi and ‘Stingyshima’, and the resentment there was clear as anything. 

“Sorry.” 

They went ahead on their own that day, but two days later they were back to their old- new, routine. Walking home, then separating halfways, Tsukishima and Kageyama one way, Yamaguchi and Hinata the other. Hinata either stopped trying or Kageyama stopped going along with him, because his animosity towards Tsukishima seemed to increase. 

The next thing he noticed was something that brought a warm feeling to his chest, tingly and also like he was choking. Kageyama, against all odds, seemed to enjoy their time together. Each day their walks took longer, the setter walking slower and slower all the time. It was hard sometimes to keep Kageyama’s rhythm with his much longer legs, and sometimes he was so knackered from practice he ached for a faster pace. He never did anything about it though. They strolled down the streets as if it wasn’t getting dark outside or the afternoons weren’t getting increasingly colder, talking. 

That was the next thing that made Tsukishima suspect. Hope. Kageyama had begun starting conversations with him, awkwardly, about volleyball things, but also sometimes questions about his day or his brother. He never asked about his parents, and never talked about his own. Tsukishima tried to follow each time, continue even the simplest of topics, stretching them as far as he could within the limits of both of their social inexperience. After a great length of time and a mental pep talk, he also struck conversations with the setter, eventually dropping all pretenses of it being out of obligation. 

Tsukishima used the minimum amount of words to say whatever it was he wanted, but Kageyama struggled sometimes, like he couldn’t find the words, often falling back on Hinata’s bad habit of abusing onomatopoeia to replace actual, real words. Tsukishima mocked him, of course he did, but it was light-hearted, he could begrudgingly admit he found it endearing, not like Hinata. Hinata did it because he couldn’t be bothered to look for the words, Kageyama actually flushed when he had to do it. 

One sleepless night Tsukishima made a list in his head: they coordinated better, meaning they understood each other better. They talked more- they talked, period. Kageyama actually looked for him to have a conversation, willingly. They still fought, fiercely, but most of the times it ended with someone relenting, or something that sounded more playful than angry and made both of them blush. 

He talked himself into dismissing all of it, into protecting his admittedly fragile heart, and he managed to scam himself into thinking he’d done it. Still, he hoped. He hoped all the time. 

Every time Kageyama stood close to him Tsukishima marvelled at his body heat.

Every time Kageyama praised him, he clenched his fist to stop himself from smiling.

Every time Kageyama looked at him a bit too long, he burned for more. 

Every time Kageyama chose him over Hinata he felt a little lighter and also felt as though he’d forgotten how to breathe. He wanted to crawl away from his skin because he felt uncomfortable with how much satisfaction it brought him. Uncomfortable because it wasn’t the kind of satisfaction that came from winning over Hinata, but genuine satisfaction of being chosen by the King, or rather, the feeling of Kageyama telling him to stand besides him. He hated himself for wanting it, but he did, desperately, to stop feeling he was chasing behind Kageyama on a off the court, but seeing the sights he saw from the top, for a bit. Could Kageyama see him from up there? 

The truth was that every day he was faced with Kageyama’s obliviousness- just about every single day, his insecurities grew. He’d always been bothered by the notion of the King and his subjects, and even as he’d let it go he sometimes still felt smothered by it. Some days he wished Kageyama would open his eyes and reject him, just so he could hurt in peace. Sometimes, when his hopes escaped him, he wanted to shake the setter, feeling that if he could just get him to understand, something- anything, would happen. 

He didn’t harbour dreams of them being boyfriends, not really, he still couldn’t imagine them properly kissing. He just wanted Kageyama, and wanted him to want him in return. Everything else, including labels, was superfluous, or so he tried to tell himself. 

Maybe that made him naïve, maybe that made him a victim of his insecurity, shying away from real things people did when they wanted- loved, each other. Probably. 

He was fine with it for the most part. He would just keep on hiding his insecurities like he had always done, behind the armour he had spent years building and rebuilding. One that only Yamaguchi had been able to look beyond, against Tsukishima’s will, and the same one to which Tsukishima was steadily and painfully building a trapdoor, in case Kageyama ever wanted to crawl in. 

* * *

He thought a lot about it, some days, about how strange it was that he wanted to let Kageyama in. He remembered wanting Kageyama to pick him apart, to tear at everything he was, but maybe that had been the excitement that came with a first crush. Now Tsukishima felt he had broken himself up on his own, his life, his time, his feelings, his thoughts, offering them up to the setter for him to inspect, hoping he’d approve and give them back, maybe offer his own. 

Tsukishima would never keep them, he’d put them back carefully, softly. Then they would, finally, know each other. 

* * *

Months went by and despite everything and everyone, pieces of himself started going back to where they belonged. 

He was scared and relieved at first, maybe his feelings were going away. His thoughts were no longer plagued with Kageyama, he could actually think about other people, care about school, care about volleyball in a way that didn’t revolve around Kageyama and hitting his perfect tosses. He could care about himself.

He still dreamt of Kageyama, sometimes, but his nights- and his mind, finally belonged to him. He went back to mostly dreamless nights, and his occasional wandering thoughts no longer tortured him, or maybe he stopped torturing himself, and just let himself enjoy his memories-turned-fantasies. 

He no longer burned when Kageyama and Hinata had their moments, when Hinata managed to convince Kageyama to have lunch just by themselves, when they walked arm in arm. He no longer outwardly reacted to Hinata’s glares or smug grins, or Yamaguchi’s knowing looks. 

He was desperate at first, to bring it all back, and on the other hand he was so grateful- he was free, in a way, and in that freedom he was able to understand. 

His thoughts were no longer plagued with Kageyama because they didn’t need to be, Kageyama was right there next to him most of the time. 

He could care about school and himself because he was no longer choked by the fear of losing Kageyama, what little they had. Not that they had much more, but the world wouldn’t end, and somehow, without him noticing and without ever saying it, Kageyama had made it clear that he wasn’t leaving. 

He could enjoy volleyball again because he knew Kageyama would toss to him when he thought it was the right time. Tsukishima thought that maybe now he understood Hinata’s fear, part of it at least, and maybe the fear that everyone who had played with someone like Kageyama felt. However, for some reason he couldn’t explain, he no longer feared not getting the serve, no longer needed the approval because at some point he had already gotten it. He could play like he wanted to and the ball would eventually come to him. 

He had the feeling he still dreamt about Kageyama every night, what changed was the fact that he could live with it now. Something that was a part of him, much as it seemed Kageyama had become a part of him. 

He no longer got annoyed with Hinata, because he no longer felt temporary, or disposable. He understood that it wasn’t Hinata or Tsukishima, it was Hinata and Tsukishima in Kageyama’s life, and somehow it didn’t bother him not to know what part each of them played. 

He didn’t even care about Kunimi. He was the one in Kageyama’s life, he was the one with whom he walked home. It was possible that Kunimi knew, but Tsukishima also did, how Kageyama’s parents were never home, how they didn’t seem to care. Well, Kunimi wasn’t there either, but Tsukishima was, and would keep on being there.

He didn’t know how it happened, what Kageyama did or said, but it was as if, gently- as he’d always wished, the setter was smoothing over the jagged edges of his insecurities, soothing a pain he’d never realised he had, maybe because he had lived with it for too long. It might have been the fact that they now spent more time together, just them, or the fact that Kageyama smiled at him, tiny, tentative smiles. Maybe it was how much Kageyama trusted him to teach him during their study sessions, asking questions and making a real effort to learn, ‘to lessen the burden’, he had said. 

Or maybe it was just the fact that they both had finally accepted each other as part of their lives. 

Without uttering a word, Kageyama had put him back together exactly as he was, not changing a thing, but creating new spaces for him to fit in, without taking anything out. He didn’t even realise, but Tsukishima never felt more at peace. 

They were going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part between the separating lines is to me the most important part of this fic. in the end, it’s what loves means to me. SO yeah, next chapter is A LOT more light-hearted.


End file.
